who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
