wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
