Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Apparently you make a good broom.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
