FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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