Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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