The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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