You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
