i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
