Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
