the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
