Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
