NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
