There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
