this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
