The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
