is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
