"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think your dad took our porno
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
