Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
