Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
