dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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