I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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