it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I want her autograph on my taint
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
