so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
