I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
