She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
