these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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