Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
