my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
