I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
