so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
