i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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