Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Pants are for mortals
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