Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
