Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
