Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
