i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
