I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
