Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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