There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
