I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
