A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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