I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Two words: blizzard sex
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
