Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
