If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My balls are so social today.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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