I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
