so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
