having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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