Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
