She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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