I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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