I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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