Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
