don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
